What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 04:44
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was in good health!
So whats the point in blame.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I was seconnd youngest,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why does cocaine makes me want to dress up and get fuck
I will be 64.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
All the time i was locked up.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Ive learnt so much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But, we were locked up after school.
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I don,t even have a pension.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I write beautiful poetry .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Put me off passion for life!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I think the readers, may guess!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
When she asked me how she looked .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It was going to be , some day.
I have no regrets .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She found it foreign!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it wasn’t much.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot live in the past .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.